When Love Feels Like Abandonment

We Tricked Her — And It Broke Our Hearts

We tricked her. I didn’t know there was an actual name for what we did out of love.

This journey has led to a swirl of emotions—sadness, guilt, tenderness, and the deep ache that caregiving often carries. I hate alzheimer’s (yes, with a lowercase “a” to show my disdain for the disease), dementia, and all its forms. These illnesses force you into situations you never imagined, where the rules you’ve lived by—honesty, transparency, directness—no longer work, where love requires something different.

My mother-in-law could no longer stay alone—not safely, not responsibly, not lovingly. We honored her wishes for years, driving back and forth from Maryland to New York, dealing with issues and emergencies in Queens, rearranging our lives to keep her supported. But eventually, the truth stood taller than our desire to protect her autonomy:

She needed round-the-clock care.
She deserved round-the-clock care.

But she would never willingly agree to it.

So we did what so many caregivers have quietly done in the name of safety, love, and dignity:

We told her we were just “visiting” a beautiful assisted-living home in Rockaway…
and then we gently, reluctantly slipped away.

It was one of the hardest decisions we’ve ever made.
And one of the most necessary.

What Is Therapeutic Fibbing?

Therapeutic fibbing—also called ethical reassurance—is a communication approach recommended by dementia specialists when telling the literal truth would cause confusion, panic, or harm (Feil, 2012; Alzheimer’s Association, 2023).

It is not lying for convenience.
It is not manipulation.
It is a compassionate response to a brain that can no longer process reality in a safe way.

As dementia progresses, reasoning and short-term memory fade. A person may insist they can live alone, manage medications, or prepare meals—even when evidence shows otherwise. Attempting to “convince” them often leads to distress.

Therapeutic fibbing shifts the focus from factual truth to emotional truth—safety, reassurance, comfort, and dignity.

Examples caregivers commonly use:

• “We’re just going for a visit.”

• “The doctor wants someone to check in on you for a bit.”

• “The house is being repaired; we’ll stay here for now.”

• “You’re safe. Everything is taken care of.”

The goal is simple:

Reduce fear. Increase peace. Honor dignity.

Why Therapeutic Fibbing Becomes Necessary

Caregivers are not dishonest people. In fact, most take pride in integrity. So, the idea of bending the truth for someone you love can feel uncomfortable or even wrong.

But dementia changes the rules.

Research shows:

• People with mid-stage dementia cannot follow logical reasoning (Alzheimer’s Society, 2022).

• Factual honesty can increase agitation and fear (Snow, 2016).

• Validation and reassurance reduce emotional distress (Feil, 2012).

• Emotional well-being becomes more important than cognitive accuracy (Kitwood, 1997).

When the brain cannot process the truth, insisting on it becomes harmful.

As Teepa Snow says:

“If their brain cannot match your reality, meet them in theirs.”

Therapeutic fibbing is not deception.
It’s protection.

The Day We Slipped Away

I remember that day —the building was beautiful, surrounded by well-tended trees and flowers that lined the parking lot, driveway, and entrance. She was quiet as we walked in, sensing that something was off. Still, she came along with a mix of caution and curiosity.

Inside, the place was alive. Music of her time floated through the air. Residents chatted with one another—some gathered around game tables, others deep in conversation over their meals. It felt less like an assisted living facility and more like a peaceful resort, created especially for her generation.

She believed it was just a simple outing.
And we allowed her to believe that.

After a short tour, we stepped into what would become her room. She noticed immediately—her clothing already hanging in the closet. She asked why her belongings were there. Hints of the NY Boss emerged as she furrowed her brows, deep lines creasing her forehead. She pursed her lips and creases from her smoking years appeared as she started to speak – then paused. A look of both confusion and resignation washed over her face. She turned around to look at and touch the clothing that hung in the closet, as if trying to make sense of it all.

We walked out quietly, slowly…and she stayed behind, now in the care of trained professionals who could give her what we no longer could.

Would she have understood if we told her the truth?
No.
Would she have felt betrayed?
Yes.
Would she have been safe living alone?
Absolutely not.

Sometimes the most loving choice is also the most heartbreaking.

She settled in. She adjusted. She was safe. She was cared for. And though we carried the emotional weight and feeling of abandoning her, we knew it was for the best. In subsequent visits, she didn’t even remember that we had told her we were “visiting”. After a while, she made friends, went on supervised shopping trips, and with a key to her room on the plastic springy bracelet she wore around her wrist, could come and go to her room as she pleased. She was still in NY, but she was with others and, most importantly, she was safe. We drove from Maryland as much as we could, and the weight of worry lifted from our shoulders.

That is the gift therapeutic fibbing offers.

How to Use Therapeutic Fibbing with Love

Here are compassionate, ethical guidelines for caregivers:

1. Lead with love

Before speaking, ask: What response will help them feel safe?

2. Avoid arguments

Reasoning rarely works in middle-stage dementia.

3. Reassure instead of explain

Short, soothing phrases work best.

4. Keep their dignity front and center

Never use fibbing to control—only to comfort.

5. Match their reality

If they believe something from the past is happening now, gently join them there.

6. Reduce choices

Offer two simple options instead of complex decisions.

7. Release the guilt

You are not betraying them.
You are protecting them from distress their brain cannot filter.

LESSONS LEARNED

A Reflective Sidebar for Caregivers

1. You can love someone deeply and still need help making hard decisions.
Caregiving is a team effort, not a solo mission.

2. Emotional safety matters more than literal truth.
Peace is the priority.

3. You won’t always feel good about what caregiving requires.
But necessity does not mean wrong.

4. Dignity can be preserved even when independence cannot.
Your compassion guides the way.

5. Guilt is normal. Reflection is healthy. Love is the anchor.
Give yourself grace.

A Final Word to Every Caregiver

If you are struggling with whether to use therapeutic fibbing, wondering if you’re making the right call, or fearing you’re losing yourself in the process…

Take a breath.
You are not alone.
You are expressing love in action.

Therapeutic fibbing is not deception.
It is emotional truth-telling—offering peace in a world where confusion reigns. It is dignity-preserving. It is protection-based. It is love in action for someone whose brain no longer protects them.

And sometimes…
the kindest thing you can give someone with dementia is comfort over correctness.

References (APA Style)

Alzheimer’s Association. (2023). Communication and Alzheimer’s. https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/daily-care/communications
Alzheimer’s Society. (2022). Supporting a person with dementia to move into care. https://www.alzheimers.org.uk
Feil, N. (2012). The validation breakthrough: Simple techniques for communicating with people with Alzheimer’s and other dementias (3rd ed.). Health Professions Press.
Kitwood, T. (1997). Dementia reconsidered: The person comes first. Open University Press.
Snow, T. (2016). Positive Approach to Care: Dementia communication strategies. https://teepasnow.com